After losing a baby

Over the past couple of years, quite a few people have asked me for advice on what to do or say when somebody they know experiences a miscarriage or stillbirth.  I figured I may as well write it all down in one place.  If you have anything to add to this list, comment away!  If you feel like this is helpful and you want to pass it on to somebody, feel free.

Do:

• Realize that this loss is painful, whether the pregnancy was 6 weeks or 36 weeks along.  Obviously there is a difference between those two, but a loss is a loss at any time.  
• Keep in mind that you might not be aware of circumstances surrounding this loss, like if the mother had previous miscarriages or if it took a long time to conceive.
• Send a card, even if you live nearby.  You can just say, "I'm thinking about you" or "I'm so sorry for your loss" if you don't know what else to say.  I might be weird, but what I appreciated hearing more than anything was that a friend cried upon hearing my news.  It made me realize that the person cared and was sharing my grief with me.  Also, a card in the mail is much more meaningful than an email or a message on Facebook (not that those are bad).
• Send another card a few weeks later.  That's when life starts returning to normal and the mother may feel forgotten.
• Offer to do something specific and helpful.  If the person has kids, offer to watch the kids for a few hours so the mom or both parents can have some time alone.  Take them a meal.  Be specific in your approach (i.e. "Can I bring you dinner on Tuesday night?") and don't just say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do."  You might genuinely mean that, but the grieving parent might be afraid to take you up on it or be too overwhelmed to even realize what they need.
• If the baby had a name, use it.  It's not a bad word.  In fact, it's quite the opposite.
• Listen.  I think every mom who's experienced a loss is different in how much they want to talk about everything, but listen as much as they are willing to talk.  I personally really felt the need to retell my experience; I needed people to know that I was in labor with my daughter for 32 hours and Hunter and I held her.  She was a real person. Every time I would tell her story, it helped me feel connected with Ada and, especially in those early days, it helped reality to sink in.  That's an important part of the healing process.
• Acknowledge important dates:  the baby's due date, the first anniversary of the loss (especially if it was later in the pregnancy and/or if the mom is not pregnant again), and Mother's Day.  All you need to do is say, "I'm thinking about your baby today."  If you don't know when the due date was, it's not inappropriate to ask, "I was thinking about your baby.  When was your due date again?"
• One really nice thing you could do is to give the mom a copy of Empty Cradle, Broken Heart.  This is such a wonderful book and I highly recommend it.

Don't:

•  Say any of the following:  "It was for the best."  "God has a plan."  "Everything happens for a reason."  "God wanted another angel in heaven."  "God has another flower in his garden."  "It just wasn't meant to be."  "Your baby is in a better place now."  Even if you believe it, these comments are not helpful or comforting in any way.  To a grieving mother, the only place where her child should be is in her arms.  Alive.
• Ignore the situation completely.  I have a couple of friends who have never, ever acknowledged Ada's death.  That hurt much more than an insensitive comment from a well-meaning friend.
• Be afraid to bring up the baby in conversation.  I think people are afraid to mention it because they don't know if the mother has maybe forgotten about the loss and moved on, but I promise you, that does not happen!
• Assume that the mom should be "over it" within what you perceive as a reasonable time frame.  You do not know what it is like to walk in her shoes.
• Assume that everything is happy and right with the world if the mom gets pregnant again.  Yes, she is probably very happy, but she's feeling many new emotions that she didn't have during her last pregnancy (fear, guilt, anxiety, etc.).  Also, this does not mean that she has forgotten about the baby that she lost.  Years from now she will still miss that baby.  Mothers have an amazing ability to love all of their children.